All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
