I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
