our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
