I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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