So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
