im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i now understand why vodka
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
