I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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