I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
