I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize