just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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