Jerry, you need to find god
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
