She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
