She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
