Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
