Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
