btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My vagina is very pro this idea
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
