everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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