mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
