Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
