I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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