Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
