Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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