he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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