My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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