its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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