im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
