im having a threesome with these popsicles
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
