Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
