Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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