I wish I could teleport
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
