Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
