I accidentally burped into my bong.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
