ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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