Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
im on a boat
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