I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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