Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
