I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't put those talents on a resume
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
