My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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