We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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