I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
