i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
