I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
