He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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