what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
