Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
