If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
