I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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