My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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