Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
