$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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