Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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