I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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