sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
