Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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