Betty ford says i'm here all night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
