my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
