For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
