I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
sex in a hospital.. check
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize