i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
where are my eyebrows?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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