i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
