Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
