my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
