you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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