Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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